Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.