My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
philosophical skeletons be like
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
let’s discuss
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
😎 🍻
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you