[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.