GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed