“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like