My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
doing your own taxes
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.