Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!