i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Is your wife single?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies