Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.