Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*