Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.