Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.