i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Imma just leave this here…………
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.