[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
couldn’t resist
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Buck naked
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs