My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Stop being racist to kettles.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.