IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
You Might Also Like
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.