Same pineapple, same
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream