I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”