If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
😂 amazing answer
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.