Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You Might Also Like
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?