Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Oh we’ve met.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Ummm
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.