Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My wedding will be open casket.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.