lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
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It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Lmao
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries