Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.