I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”