y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Thursday Thought.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.