People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
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When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
At least my masseuse has my back.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.