Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Knock Knock
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Beware of the dog..
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no