wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
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[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.