As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.