If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”