Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
marvel comics have peaked
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.