Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
You Might Also Like
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog