Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store