too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.