I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Bike is short for Bichael.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Just how popey was the pope today?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.