Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?