“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Social distancing in Australia:
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…