I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single