Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.