I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
How actors in movies eat their food
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars