Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.