Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
You Might Also Like
LOL!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub