I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.