Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me, flirting😏