I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
just witnessed a drug deal
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!