David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”