I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
You Might Also Like
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Important
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!