“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.