deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.